the first time | an excerpt from the book

I don’t know what prompts it or how I figure out what to do. I don’t understand these feelings, or why they’re happening in the place I’m supposed to keep hidden.

The following is a brief excerpt from the latest draft of my memoir-in-progress, unless a seed, the story of how God used something small to heal my heart in a big way.

a gentle note for readers

My story is one about healing from sexual shame. I have chosen to tell this story as authentically as I can, and as a result, there may be parts that are triggering or upsetting to read — especially for anyone who has struggled with unwanted sexual behaviors, shame surrounding these behaviors, and/or mental health issues like anxiety and intrusive thinking.

My prayer is always that the words I write are laced with the grace and love of Jesus, and that this grace and love would overwhelm any shame you carry — like it did for me — but I still encourage you to proceed with discernment.

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I’m five or maybe six years old the first time it happens.